Gifting a Griever
I lost my dad at age 25 and at that time, I did not know too many people my age who had lost a parent. My dad was 60 when I was born, so I spent my life very aware that I would not get to have my dad in my life for very long. He suffered a massive stroke and we had him in hospice at the home I grew up in and passed away peacefully while I was on a walk. That walk was my first time leaving his side and the house and someone framed that moment as him needing me to not be there, so he could let go. It was definitely days and weeks of being in a fog and filled with so many emotions. Sadness was, of course, at the forefront, but there was also a lot of laughter and love that surrounded us during that time. Our family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, parents of friends, and just about anyone we had known showed us so, so much support.
It can be really tricky navigating loss as someone who is experiencing it and as someone who knows someone experiencing it. Each loss is unique and the circumstances will all be different. There are so many variables and, and the end of the day, the goal is to help each other and care for one another. I wanted to share some of the items that I was gifted that carried us through some of the stages of loosing a parent.
Immediately
Food = Love
I worked in a hotel when I lost my dad and once my colleagues knew what was happening, we had a delivery of boxed lunches sent to our house with a card signed by everyone in my departments. I will never forget when the mom of one of my best friend’s in high school texted me that she had left dinner on our porch. I opened the door and there was a spread of enchiladas, rice, beans and all the fixings to feed us for days. It was so unexpected and beyond appreciated. When my now husband’s uncle was killed in a cycling accident, we spent almost a week in Phoenix celebrating his life. It was beautiful. Heartbreaking and beautiful. I remember that they ran out of space in the refrigerator because of all the food that had been delivered. The night after their rosary, their neighbors put together an incredible feast of food that fed everyone for days.
It does not have to be an elaborate feast, but a meal and nourishment can go a long way. Maybe do a Starbucks run for the family the morning of the funeral, offer to do a grocery run, or gift them with a DoorDash gift card for a nice meal at home.
Funeral Preparations
Don't give them an option, just ask when you can be there. I handed over all setup to my colleagues who worked in events with me and it was such a relief to know it was being taken care of, so I could be present in the funeral mass while they setup the celebration.
Yoga/Meditation App to Keep Them Calm
Their hearts are broken and their worlds are turned upside down. Their minds are racing and probably pretty scattered. There are so many apps out there for meditation and I just learned there is such thing as grief yoga with virtual classes!
Items to Help Them Sleep
They are likely not sleeping with ease or on a regular schedule. Some items that will help them sleep - eye mask, CBD, lavender pillow spray. I spent a to more time in bed and on the couch and would have loved this blanket to keep me cozy.
Brighten Up Their Home With A Plant
Don’t get me wrong, flowers are amazing, beautiful and give the home so much life. The only thing with flowers is that they do not last forever, so I would consider sending a plant. Plants can be planted in the yard, maintained inside, or just be a nice decorative piece. Try finding something as low maintenance as possible. Though not low maintenance, our orchids from that time are still in our home and so appreciated. The Sill has so many amazing options to send all over the country!
Send an Empathy Card- Emily McDowell
Okay, if there is someone who got this right, it is Emily McDowell. Her line of Empathy Cards are amazing and are so much better than anything that says “thoughts and prayers” on it. Cards are a “typical” gift and such a nice thing to come home to. I had a card from many former coworkers of a hotel I worked at years ago that was so, so special. Cards from people we had not heard from in quite some time meant so much. It is a simple and thoughtful hello,
In the Weeks and Months Following
Books
Beyond Grief: Snapshots of Life After Loss (they also have a wonderful The Grief Workbook!)
“It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying Is Cool Too) - Nora McInerny
“Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy” - Sheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant
“To Love and Let Go: A Memoir of Love and Loss” - Rachel Brathen (Yoga Girl)
“When Breath Becomes Air” - Paul Kalanithi
They offer a beautiful bereavement line with candles that offer different themes of hope and healing. Some of their candles are: Cherish, Hugs, Angel, Remember, & Given to Fly and are such beautiful decor pieces
Ideas from Esty:
Continually…
Grief is a journey that never ends and is continually being navigated. There are so many little things you can do for the people in your life who are on that journey.
Cards Out of The Blue
Check in on them on tough holidays, anniversaries, or a random Tuesday afternoon
Talk about them, use their name and share stories
I will never tire of friends or family members sending me a photo of them enjoying a Manhattan and telling me “Cheers Larry!”.
I have been so, so grateful to the many people who have walked with my on my journey. It can be awkward if you are the outsider. You might not know what to say or how to handle it, but by showing up and loving, you are going in the right direction.